I had a breakdown. Never would've I thought that I would be in deep depression. NEVER! let alone suicidal......but i was....
It was wednesday driving back from work. I guess i have acted pretty weird lately since my loved ones, the best girls of my life keep calling me to ask me how i am doing....My bestfriend, my sister and my mom. My sister keeps sending me all this motivational and love messages. My mom called me up and tell me funny stories to cheer me up. Non of it really working at the time. I was at peak of my career. I closed a lot of projects hence plenty of comission depositing into my account. I am being acknowledge by my clients. I have an apartment, a car and most of all.....a fabulous life...great friends, acquaintances, parties, events, dinners, vacation and what not. Everything that I have always wanted. I got em all yet i felt lonely. Not really misserable but lonely. Feels like lonely is even worst than feeling miserable or perhaps i was misserably lonely...maybe that's what it is to the extend that I feel I'm ok to just be dead. Yeah...that's exactly what I felt, that i am so lonely that i might as well just die.
There is also this other thing. It's a feeling that you're are too afraid to losing it all. I feel that i have all this achievement that i have to maintain and all this people that i have to keep pleasing. I work hard everyday just to keep it all together till it becomes exhausting. Overwhelming almost. and i was tired. Very very tired. I cant fall sick cause i have too many responsibilities. It's devastating. It all running through my mind for days. i cant sleep. I cant eat. Im too exhausted and too worried about my life. Coming home to an empty apartment day by day does not help at all, doesn't matter how pretty i made my apartment look. The lonelyness eating me daily till this day when i heard a voice telling me that this will be an endless routine. This will be neverending loneliness unless you DIE! Just DIE and all your problem solved.
You always have this little voice in your head daily when you're making decisions or talking to yourself in the car, or choosing outfit to wear or shoes to fit but this is something else. It felt like it's coming from outside of you but strong. Stronger than that little voice of yours to tell you to stop it. Because i swear that i told myself to stop it. The stronger it kept coming on to me. I felt restless. I dunno what to do but i sure now how i want to die.
My bestfriend call me again once i got home. I was just sitting on my couch with my eyes wide open. Trying to fight listening to this voices at the same time thinking about how i should die. It was the craziest moment of my life. Like bad crazy not fabulous crazy. I finally cried. I told her i dunno what to do. i still feel very sad and very restless. I cant stop the voice. She told me to put on my running shoes and RUN cause exercise will release happy endorphins. So I did..I ran and i ran and i ran for almost 2 hours i think..i cant really remember...thinking through how to solve my problem but still no solution..the only way is to DIE..DIE DIE...
i reached home and again i sat on my couch just staring at my wall. I didn't feel any better or perhaps i didnt even feel anything. Then I decided to switch on the TV. It was America's Funniest Home Video and I started giggling then i felt like i was woken up from a bad spell. I felt that i just woke up from a bad dream and I smile...i said it out loud " God! You're very funny!..It was just like that. As if he was trying to tell me " Chill girl...why so serious? Dont worry. be happy".
And boy i had a wake up call. a big one. Life is all about being happy. I have to quit making anything else important but myself. Fuck all this if it doesnt make me happy. So what? Life shouldnt be too perfect..Life should just be interesting. Laugh a little. Let loose.
What was my wake up call? To fuck these all and travel the world....:)
